What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 23:49
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
What did i know ?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And i lived it daily.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Was to survive, this bastard.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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(And it was in our own minds.)
My life is so biszare .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Why are Indians so influenced by the Western culture, when the Indian tradition has so much to give?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
I did it because my mum asked me too!
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She found it foreign!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So whats the point in blame.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
I never cut or harmed myself..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was scared of men, in general
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She loved him until the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He knew the spot.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When she asked me how she looked .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot live in the past .
This is soul school!.
Ive learnt so much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im still living with it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i do to all so called friends.?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My family never makes their pension either.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
Would this be the day?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was in good health!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I think the readers, may guess!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She married twice! .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I have no regrets .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.